I think the title here describes it all. Being a single pole dancer in the dating world is not easy. At least, I haven’t found it to be easy. Now let me be clear: I am NOT saying every single person I have met is like this, but a good fair few. Also, I don’t mean just men, I mean men and women alike.
I feel like as soon as people hear or see the words pole dancer or instructor, they lose their brains with oversexualized thoughts. Some of that is out of their control from the stigma around pole fitness & how sexualized it is in society. But what they can control is how they speak to me and what they say. Do you know how rich I would be if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard some sort of horrible pick up line involving a pole? Believe me, they are not talking about any 45 mm chromes.
The dirtier the line, the more it is over the internet or dating apps. Yet, I have still had it said to my face as soon as they hear ‘pole fitness instructor’ -“So Can I get a private show?”…. First off, no. Second, where did I say I was a an exotic dancer? (No offence to my exotic dancer friends, So much respect for them but I didn’t say that’s what I do for a living.) Third, Why is this appropriate to say to someone’s face? I’ll let you in on a little secret.. ITS NOT.
Lets pretend I reversed the roles here. I’m meeting someone who does a different job than pole dancing. We get to chatting and we start talking about work. They say their a plumber. My first response is “Oh well I have some pipes you can clear”… DO YOU HEAR HOW ABSURD THAT SOUNDS. Its not sexy. Its not a turn on. Just stop. Please. We are tired of it. My job is as normal as plumbing, it really is. Its just not YOUR normal. Just because it’s not your normal, it doesn’t give you the right to sexualize me or my job.
If I wanted to offer private shows, I would tell you. If I wanted to go out & hook up, I would tell you. If I wanted to rip off my clothes and give you a lap dance, I would tell you.
No lie, I love the sexy side of pole & how that makes me feel empowered. But as soon as you turn it into something that is done for someone else’s sexual benefit, I lose interest in you. Because you don’t ask first what I really do with pole, or recognize how much of a workout it is, how many YEARS I put into working on my skills, I don’t want to give you the time of day. I will literally walk away from you.
And let me say, I am not alone in these situations. Here are some short stories & comments from some of our students & instructors:
“I met this guy on Bumble and went on a few dates with him and things were going well; that was before I told him that I take pole dancing classes. One night, we were sitting on Whyte ave having dinner when I told him, and the cheeky grin on his face made me instantly regret my words. He made comments about getting a “private show” and instantly made the assumption this meant strip shows and lapdances were within his reach now… I stopped talking to this guy, until a week later when he texted me to apologize. This conversation ended with him offering never to talk about my “secret pole life” with me. This comment was met with me block button. Boiii byeeeee! “
“I’m not single anymore but when I was I constantly got “I have a pole you can dance on” to which my response was “yeah – it’s likely not big enough” Thank god my current partner never made that lame joke. “
“I found I got 3 different response 1. Nothing, they’d ignore it and pretend I didn’t say I pole dance (??) 2. “Ohhh that’s hot, looking forward to a private show 😉 “ (creepy) 3. “Training for your next career I see” (…)
Needless to say I’m still single”
So I beg of you non pole people who are single & dating, Stop going to that first sexual thought. Take the time to ask about what we do and why. Your eyes will be opened to a whole new world. A beautiful, talented, crazy hard and skilled world
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.
- Asher Moorji – Aradia Assistant/Instructor